Frustration with your partner - Secret to a happy marriage

Posted by Ivan

What makes a Happy Marriage? Occasionally, we can be asking ourselves, are we happy with our marriage? Not sure what the answer is with most, but I think the answer we get will probably be related more of whether we view a marriage as problematic. If we find less problem, we then say it is a happy marriage. If not, then perhaps, we think the marriage is unhappy. I have heard and come across married couples who have gone through lengthy years of marriage, seemingly happy, with no apparent discord, but eventually hit the rock at the later years. This normally happened when either party feels that there is no longer need to be dependent and tied to each other, arising from something external to them. In such situations, marriages are held on by some external factor, such as worrying for young children, financial dependent, parental objection etc. When such dependencies no longer holds true, such as when the children have all grown up, or the parents are no longer around, so is this tiny thread that binds the marriage together all these years.

So it is common for the individual to be frustrated with his partners at one time or another. What do we do then? And different people react and respond differently, depending on the value system in the society he is in, the culture, the up-bringing and his environment.

Reading an article in the NST recently, there was this poll being conducted on 4,000 married couples to find the secrets to a happy marriage. Or so it says, the secrets are;

- spending at least 22 periods of "quality time" together a month with at least seven cosy nights in and two proper dinner dates. The key seems to be spending a lot of quality time together cited by those who rated their marriage very happy
- Cuddle, it seems at least 4 times a day, holds the key
- Romantic gesture such as back massage every 10 days is necessary

The Survey also revealed that
- average happy couple enjoy two romantic walks every month
- one visit to the pub every month
- one trip to the cinema every month
- spend few romantic evenings in - eating dinner by candlelight 3 times a month
- Engaging in a proper conversation 6 times a month
- Curling up in front of the TV together 7 times a month
- Twice a month, shower each other with surprise gifts - such as flowers and chocolates, a soppy poem or a favorite piece of music
- A good marriage would also allow each partner to enjoy a night away from home without the other, in the compnay of their own friends
- Simple act such as cleaning the house without being asked or making breakfast show respect for the other spouse
- Go on two or more holidays every year

I do not know how one would be able to do those secrets revealed above. Or perhaps, these will add on more frustration to an already frustrated party. I wonder how one would be able to sustain all these. I have been married for 25 over years, and I can put my marriage on the happier side, although I would not venture to say a very happy one, at times perhaps. My personal view is that while one needs to work on the marriage, it must not sound like a chore, for when it requires such effort, it already defeats the very purpose of the union. The few things that I have learned through my years of marriage has helped to tide the rough ride that at times surfaced. And I would say that with each hump that I crossed, it had made the marriage more solid than before. So here lies my key;

- Taking the ups and downs of the marriage - one cannot view the marriage as something smooth sailing without the downs and problems. The important thing is what one can and should do quickly to overcome it. For without the rough ride, what then is a happy one and how then does the couple share and feel the need for a solid marriage.
- Communicate and sharing - there must be communication, as in personal matters that relate to both parties. I know of a case where both the party does not even talk, sharing the same bed. In no time, the couple separated. At times, one may have to be frank to the other, rather than harbouring uneasy thoughts and suspicions.
- Have physical contact - I believe that physical contact is very important for the marriage to last. I do not think the need to say how frequent, except that there must be periodical contact, be it simple gesture of holding hands, or rubbing the shoulders to rekindle the feeling and bond.
- Give and Take attitude - I have often heard about the share of responsibility and equality. This happen more so when the baby takes center stage of the family. My take on this relationship is that there is no such thing as equal share of work or responsibility, but there must be an exercise of care and responsibility to the utmost of both. After all, people are known for what he can sacrifice for love, so there should not be any bound on this. Remember reading somewhere that aptly puts it that the women is the sunshine for the family, and the man is the pillar.
- Have some time reserved for the family - finding time to do what I have mentioned above is important. So much was said about quality of time, and I think this means different thing to different people. Just cuddling up with the partner in front of the TV set may appeal and sound so good to many, while to some other, may require costly outing to a posh restaurant

For what one does, we are talking about human. And human being is an extremely complex creature that the more research is done on him, the more we find unknown. We can only try our best, and in so trying, pray and hope for the best.


Yours truly,
Ivan

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